Monday, March 9, 2009
~~Don't let it be true~~
Flames were blowing out the rear of the home, as I climbed out of my engine, the mother frantically grabbed my arm, telling me of her child trapped inside. Quickly assessing the home, making split second decisions, I turned to my nozzle man and gave him explicit orders. I began to walk around the home assessing for other dangers. People screaming, wondering what we were doing, telling us how to do our jobs as they stood from the sidelines. Like a coach I was sizing up my opponent. Reaching the front door, I slid my mask over my face. Tasting the smoke that took my breath away. I could feel my lungs tighten, my throat closing, it tasted like shit. Black smoke was halfway down the door frame, pushing out with force.
During my size up I could tell the fire was located on the first floor, the smoke was black, we call it black fire. Extremely black smoke is almost to the point of ignition and is extremely dangerous. Water was now in the hose, explaining to my nozzle man, he was going to position himself at the bottom of the stairs, while I went upstairs to the babies room. His job was to protect the stairway, leaving me an out, knowing all to well the child was probably dead at this point.
My mask was completely on, my hood pulled up, helmet on, placing my gloves on. The last thing I did before entering was place my regulator on my mask, allowing me to breathe clean air. Like a team leaving a huddle, we were in action, I couldn't even see my camera screen. It was a lifeline, showing me fire or a body, hell I can even see my pathway with it, but not today. Technology was nothing to the beast, it was way to advanced today. I found myself feeling my way up the stairs. I counted twenty three of them, now to the right, like the mom said it was the second door on the right. Feeling the first door I continued on. Another five feet I found the second door, and it was open as suspected. The smoke had gotten this baby, I knew that, however, now it was about the family, trying even if we knew it was too late. I closed the door behind me, giving me extra time. Feeling my way across the room, I found the crib, standing reaching inside I found its limp body. Taking it into my arms, I went back to the door, opening it I was blasted with heat, then hearing the nozzle man say to evacuate, were losing.
Slamming the door closed, I went back into the room, finding the window, taking my helmet, I smashed through it. Outside the firefighters raised a ladder to rescue me. I could now feel my knees burning, the floor beneath me was on fire, I knew time was of the essence. I heard the ladder hitting the side of the house. Smoke was now thick in the room, being sucked out of the open window, giving the fire more air to breathe. I was on my knees, trying to stay beneath the heat and fire. Grabbing the child I reached up to be greeted by my nozzle man, reaching out to take the child from me. I could barely visualize him the smoke was so intense. I could now feel the heat biting me, becoming unbearable, suddenly the floor collapsed from beneath me. Images of you and the kids raced through my mind as I fell, that is the last I remember.
It has been close to a year since the funeral and I am still with you everyday. Sitting next to you and the kids, unable to touch, unable to comfort, all I can do is watch. I see how lonely you are with out me, I see how badly you hurt. My decisions cost me my life, my family and friends, leaving behind emptiness and broken hearts. Giving my life for a child that was already gone, I thought I could beat the beast that day, I was wrong.
Now I sit here watching you live your life and unable to go on. I am stuck here watching until I know that your going to be alright. In the shadows I sit watching, reaching out, can you feel me? That is what made today so hard, watching you with him. I know your life must go on and he makes you happy. The way he touches you, making you smile, did you smile like that with me, I never noticed. Oh god my heart hurts watching you with him. How I wish it was me that still made you happy, holding you in my arms. What I would give to smell your hair, feel your soft skin. The touch of your hand touching me, feeling your breath on my skin. I never realized how much these things I would miss.
Now it is he who enjoys you this way. Now I feel like I have lost you twice, I am replaced, no longer a presence, I am gone. I am screaming and you can't hear me, it hurts me to watch. I want this to be me, but no it is him. I hear your pleasure, I see you happy, I hear your words.
Then in the faint distance I hear an annoying beeping, failing to recognize the noise, I open my eyes. Looking over its my alarm, I am sweating, heart pounding, angry. I reach over hitting my snooze button. Staring at the time, its 5:20 am. Was this just a dream, I don't even want to touch you, you were just with him. My mind fucking with me, what is my day at work going to bring. Is this some kind of sign, is someone sending me a sign. Jesus Christ, how the hell am I supposed to go to work now. Sweat beaded on my brow, heart still pounding I sit there pondering my dream, driving me crazy I decide to shower.
Now dressed for work, I stand beside the bed watching and wondering. Knowing you have no idea of my dreams, I slowly walk over, kissing you on the lips. You don't move, wondering if you even felt my lips touch yours. Don't let this be true. When I leave, I kiss your lips, telling you I love you. Hoping that my dreams never come true.