Thursday, July 3, 2008

There is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just hope its not a train

Today I do feel like the light at the end of the tunnel is the train. So many emotions and feelings racing through my mind. Tears running down my face, filled with sadness, desperately wanting it to be light and not the train.

I have made some choices in life that certainly have not been the correct choices to make, admittedly acknowledging those mistakes. And everyday you are reminded of the wrongs that you have done.

My life has become an open book in many ways, things that I used to keep private, open for viewing. Trying not to leave any doubt that my behavior has changed, however no matter how hard we try to change. Life is what it is today. I am the person that I am, no matter how hard I try to be that better person, I am me.

So right now I am standing on the tracks, feeling the ground rumbling under my feet. I hear the muffled sounds of the engine slowly getting louder. I see the light and it gradually gets brighter. So I stand here with my arms wide open, accepting the fact that I may soon be run over. Images of my life passing me by, wondering what decisions could change the outcome. Wondering if I jump off the tracks now will that train miss me all together. Trying to figure out how to save my self from being another tragedy. Thoughts of my wife and children, how will this affect their lives. So many thoughts and concerns race through my head, my heart is pounding, my skin drenched in sweat. Will I get myself out of this mess or will the train disintegrate me. How bad is it going to hurt, or will it be as easy as flipping a switch. I so badly want a way out of my mess, wanting to be secure with my family. How did I get where I am, I made a poor decision to walk down these tracks. When I walked into this tunnel, I never imagined the situation that I am in. Wanting this to be a dream, when I awaken it be nothing more than a dream.

I feel alone and in despair.

1 comment:

  1. You're not alone, not by a long shot. I think over a life time many people could claim to have made devastating mistakes and as bad as things look right now, situations don't stay the same,life is constantly changing and tomorrow who knows how you will approach the day...hopefully with renewed vision and fresh hope. :)