A selfish act to take one's own life. Leaving those who love you, wondering, lost, confused and alone.
Twenty years of responding to medical calls, seventeen to fire calls, suicide is one that still confuses me. A few years back I was faced with three suicides in three shifts, all but one died. Two were fathers, one was single man, I remember walking away from the house after being approached by one son "What are you doing at my house?" My reply was simple "You need to go talk with your mom." I remember his face all of about 14 years old. Not knowing that his father would be pronounced dead later that day, heart still beating, brain dead from lack of oxygen.
Many times I wonder, in those last few moments, what they were thinking. One of partner's put it simply yesterday "revenge" Is it revenge to your family, the loved ones that huddle in grief, reeling from seeing your body, lying or hanging here? The person's that they are seeking revenge do have to live with it for the rest of their lives, however, that is only one person maybe two, what about the rest of the people that will be there if you were to call them. Stand by your side, hold you, comfort you, help you through this difficult time.
A few years back I attended a funeral for a fire fighter, he took his own life in the garage, hanging himself before dinner. Dinner arrived that evening, someone went to the garage to find him hanging. His comrades were dispatched, with their heart and souls they attempted to revive their friend and colleague. With no avail they were unable to restore his life. During the funeral I sensed the good that this man had done, a leader, a father, husband. He was distraught over the murder of his son, leaving the family without a father, my heart goes to his family, friends and colleagues.
Time and time again, no matter what the circumstance, people are left grieving the loss of a loved one. Children left with out a parent, a parent left with out a child. There is no revenge, there is family left empty and alone with loss of the one they love. Nothing is gained and everything is lost.
I don't think it's revenge that motivates something as drastic as this. At least, not most of the time.
ReplyDeleteI think it's hopelessness.
I think that when you look at all of your problems and see no resolutions, when you feel alone and can't see anyone who cares, when you take a look at your life and see nothing but darkness -- that's when it becomes an option.
I'll be honest enough to admit that there have been a lot of times that I've considered it, especially back in high school.
But, I always stepped back from that edge when I really considered things and found hope.
It's when you look at all of that and can only see that -- when that lack of resolution and caring and light becomes all-consuming, and when it seems to define not only your present, but your future -- that's when you get to the point that the blade or the rope or the pills or the gun become plausible.
It isn't the revenge or the problems or the loneliness or the darkness that kills, it's the inability to hope that it will ever get better.
I, also, have issues with Suicide.
ReplyDeleteToo often, I am that nurse, in the ICU, taking care of the dead in the bed body. Trying to help a distraught family cope with the loss, having to tell them that we may never really know or understand why the person in the bed did what they did. Getting them ready for the inevitable.
I hate it.
I so understand this post......
i deal with the ugly things people do to each other all day every day. but i am fortunate that i don't have to deal with this side of things.
ReplyDeletestill think the job is easy?
The job is easy, however, we are human and have feelings, mostly keep deep inside us. I choose to share a glimpse of those feelings with my readers. I know many of you are used to me pushing limits in the other direction.
ReplyDeleteToday I felt the need to release what was building up inside of me. Thanks for letting me share with you.
Suicide is one of those things that stirs very tumultuous thoughts in my head. On one hand, I get angry at the person for taking what seems like the coward's way out and leaving the mess for everyone else to deal with. On the other hand, I ache for the hopelessness that must have overtaken their life - to the extent that suicide seemed like their only way out.
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this post!
Your job must take a heavy toll on your inner man. it's good you discovered that you can write, to help keep the pressure down. Love to you and the family. :))
ReplyDelete